The ONLY thing that upsets me about the possibility of being alone forever is that I want to give Sage lots of brothers and sisters..

but obviously I don’t want each one coming from a different man :|

In fact.. it already makes me upset that Neil won’t be the father of my next child.
I wish he’d just get me pregnant even though we’re not together. HAH. 

I’m super lame. goodbye.

I feel so weak. 

I need to keep it together.
I can’t afford to fall apart NOW!

after all this time of being okay, why am I suddenly feeling this way?

uuuuuuugh I feel like such a psycho.

"

What men mean when they talk about their “crazy” ex-girlfriend is often that she was someone who cried a lot, or texted too often, or had an eating disorder, or wanted too much/too little sex, or generally felt anything beyond the realm of emotionally undemanding agreement. That does not make these women crazy. That makes those women human beings, who have flaws, and emotional weak spots. However, deciding that any behavior that he does not like must be insane– well, that does make a man a jerk.

And when men do this on a regular basis, remember that, if you are a woman, you are not the exception. You are not so cool and fabulous and levelheaded that they will totally get where you are coming from when you show emotions other than “pleasant agreement.”

When men say “most women are crazy, but not you, you’re so cool” the subtext is not, “I love you, be the mother to my children.” The subtext is “do not step out of line, here.” If you get close enough to the men who say things like this, eventually, you will do something that they do not find pleasant. They will decide you are crazy, because this is something they have already decided about women in general.

"

"Behind the camera, I was invisible. When I lifted it up to my eye it was like I crawled into the lens, losing myself there, and everything else fell away."

I go through these phases..

1. Truly not giving a fuck about what you’re doing or who you’re talking to
2. Remembering the past and feeling sad/nostalgic and hoping things will change when you get here
3. Turning into a psycho. Letting girls who want your nuts get to me. Stressing out. Feeling extremely anxious.
4. Remembering what an asshole you’ve been and realizing I’m much better off without you and so is your daughter.

REPEAT.

…. What the fuck. How do I stop this? I need to figure it out soon.

I don’t want you here.. I know that when you come here my emotions are going to be even more crazy than they already are.. and I might do something stupid..something that will make it even harder for me when you leave..

I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m just really scared.

I wish I could switch my main blog :| stupid tumblr.

youdon’tgetit.youdon’tgetit.youdon’tgetit!

and I have no idea how to make you understand…it seems like anything I say goes in one ear and out the other.
I need money.. so you say “oh I have 175$ in my paypal account and I’m keeping it for spare money” …or whatever the fuck..

NO. YOU DON’T GET TO HAVE ‘SPARE MONEY’ IF I HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY FUCKING BROKE TRYING TO PAY MY MIDWIFE. what the fuck? how do you even think you make sense?

and, I’m sorry, but fuck you if you think our daughter is getting a Hep B vaccine when she’s brand new. Not going to fucking happen. You don’t get a say in that decision because you haven’t done shit.

venting, done.